MAHOU SHOUJO
by burakkichu
Summary: For the "Turn Madoka into Reality TV" writing challenge. Parody of COPS, the so-called "original reality show". Just add reggae.


a/n:

i hate reality tv. but somehow, COPS doesn't count.

cue the reggae theme song, people...you know you wanna sing along (even if only in your head):

* * *

><p>MAHOU SHOUJO<p>

_Hooh!_

_Bad Girls!_  
><em>Whatcha want, whatcha want<em>  
><em>Whatcha gonna do<em>  
><em>When Mahou Shoujo come for you<em>  
><em>Tell me<em>  
><em>Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do-oo<em>  
><em>Yeah<em>

_Bad girls, bad girls_  
><em>Whatcha gonna do?<em>  
><em>Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?<em>  
><em>[repeat]<em>

_Nobody naw give you no break_  
><em>Schoolgirl naw give you no break<em>  
><em>Kyuubey naw give you no break<em>  
><em>Not even your ilyar* naw give you no break<em>  
><em>Hey!<em>

_Bad girls, bad girls_  
><em>Whatcha gonna do?<em>  
><em>Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?<em>  
><em>[repeat]<em>

* * *

><p>MAHOU SHOUJO is filmed on location with the young women of witch control. All witches are guilty. Yet, innocent. Yet...oh, damn you Urobuchi, why must you make things so difficult?<p>

* * *

><p>[MITAKIHARA TOWN. Nighttime aerial shot above a shopping district. Vehicle headlights crawl along the roadways in between street blocks full of the incandescent and neon lights of the many shops and eateries.]<p>

"I love this town. I really do. Sometimes I hear people complain about it because it's, like, y'know, kind of a big city and stuff, but, I really love it. I've lived here all my life, and, uh, there's a lot of things here that I want to protect."

[KANAME MADOKA, 8TH GRADE. A side profile of her shows her pink twintails and red ribbons flying in the wind as she soars over the city, out on patrol. Her face is serious, yet young, and full of hope.]

"So when I became a magical girl, it was like...this is it. This is what I wanna be. It's a lot of work and there's days when things can get scary, but, when I think about all the people I've saved, and the difference I've made in, y'know, the community and stuff...it's like, it's a good feeling. And I love working with the other magical girls in this city. I've made some really good, good friends out here, and, uh, I'm pretty happy about that."

[One lacey red shoe taps down on top of the parapet surrounding the rooftop of a simple office building. Kaname alights and surveys the scene below her. A wide plaza is stretched out beneath, and a walkway leads to an old warehouse just off the side. Scattered about are people walking oddly, all going the same direction.]

"It looks like we've got some people heading to an abandoned warehouse late at night. This area's pretty deserted and people probably wouldn't be here normally, especially at this hour, so, we'll just go see what they're up to. It could be that they've been witch-kissed or something.

[ANZU DISTRICT, 10:47 PM. SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY. Kaname leaps to the ground, the ruffles of her petticoat flying upward to reveal a brief pantyshot, though it is censored out with a blurry oval. The people ahead of her have all converged on the warehouse, and are walking in an open dock door. Kaname's shoes clack on the pavement as she walks briskly toward them. A pink beam of light shines forth from a rose in her hand, and Kaname directs it across some of the suspected victims. None of them turn to look at her.]

"Yeah, they're definitely witch-kissed, I can see the mark."

« TELEPATHY TRANSMISSIONS CAPTURED AND ENCODED TO AUDIO »

« Girl 69, one-oh-sevens confirmed north of Koshousha Station, » said Kaname.

« How many? » responded Miki.

« Ten to twelve. They have exited the plaza and are entering a warehouse. »

[Kaname follows them inside through the open dock door. After a moment, Miki is heard again over telepathy.]

« Dispatch, 69 headed for Anzu 5-chōme, » she said.

« Ten-four, 69, » replied Kyuubey.

"Evening, folks. What are all of you up to? Can any of you hear my voice and understand what I'm saying?" said Kaname, announcing her presence.

[In the middle of the warehouse, the people have crowded around a woman with two bottles of common household chemicals and a bucket. Kaname addresses her.]

"Okay, ma'am? Ma'am. Put the bottles down. No, don't pour them into the bucket. Just put them down. Put them down. You folks don't need to hurt yourselves—"

[As Kaname walks toward them a green-haired schoolgirl steps up and attempts to throw a punch to Kaname's midsection. Kaname grabs the schoolgirl's wrist and whirls her about. In moments Kaname has the schoolgirl lying on her stomach, her hands bound behind her back with glowing pink cords tied into a bow.]

"Stay down!"

[A loud rattling sound echoes through the warehouse as someone closes the dock door, shutting it with a bang. Meanwhile the woman can be seen already pouring the bottles together into the bucket. Kaname rushes forward and grabs the bucket from their midst. A bright flash illuminates the room briefly, followed by a crash of glass shattering as the camera operator runs around the crowd to keep up with Kaname, finally ending up behind her as the scene becomes clear again. The crowd of people are now approaching Kaname threateningly. Kaname quickly draws her bow, holding it sideways for a multishot spread.]

"Get on the ground! All of you. Now."

[The people stop in their tracks. The shots drawn in Kaname's bow are giving off a harsh pink light. Some in the crowd appear to waver, as if unsure whether to take her fanciful weapon seriously. Others seem fearful, and readily comply. The shots in her bow are clearly tracking the movements of those out in front.]

"You don't realize what you're doing, so just get on the ground. Nice 'n' easy, okay? On the ground. On the ground. Sir, keep your hands where I can see 'em."

[From somewhere outside, a bright blue glow passes by the windows. Eventually all of the people comply, lying face-down with their hands outstretched. Kaname walks around them, keeping her bow drawn, while going over to inspect what remained of the chemicals.]

"That's good. Just everyone lie still...yeah, thought so. Trying to do a mass detergent suicide," said Kaname, now narrating for the camera in a quieter voice. "I don't smell any rotten eggs in the air, though. That's a good sign."

« 54, two-oh-one is in the back storeroom. » Miki announced.

« I'll be right there, just making sure things are safe here. » replied Kaname.

« It's just an M-4. I've got it. »

"Let's get some more ventilation in here just to be safe," said Kaname, narrating again for the camera.

[Kaname relaxes her bowstring and stretches her hand out to the dock door. Her Soul Gem shines, and glowing roses sprout forth from the concrete floor, pushing the door all the way open as they grow. The roses then fade.]

"Can't a man [BLEEP] die in peace⁉" one of the people on the ground suddenly blurted out.

"Please be quiet, sir," replied Kaname. "You'll all be just fine real soon."

[Cut to next clip. Kaname and Miki are now attending to the victims, who have returned to their normal selves. They have changed out of their magical outfits and are now dressed in their school uniforms, though pink and blue glows still illuminate the area. Most of the people are unconscious or staring silently at the floor. The woman who had been pouring the chemicals is clinging to Kaname and crying.]

"I can't believe, [sobs], I almost..."

"It's all right now. It was just like a bad dream," said Kaname.

[Over to one side a man is talking with Miki.]

"H-How did I get here? What's going on?"

"Uh, just stay calm. An ambulance should be getting here pretty soon, to make sure everyone's okay," said Miki.

"Who are you?"

"Me? Um, just a schoolgirl who was passing by and saw you guys in trouble, hehe."

[Miki scratches the back of her head.]

[Cut to next clip. Kaname and Miki are talking with another man who is trying to sort through things.]

"I think I was, uh, thinkin' some very bad things. And that's, uh, not really like me, y'know," said the man.

"Uh-huh," said Kaname.

"I actually got a daughter 'bout your age, an', I love her to death. I couldn't never leave her behind like this."

"I'm sure she loves you too. She'd miss you if you were gone."

"[sighs] I must be a pathetic ol' man, tellin' my troubles to young girls like you."

"It's all right, sir. Just take care of your daughter. You're a good man."

[The sound of approaching sirens can be heard in the distance.]

[Cut to next clip. The ambulance has arrived at the scene, along with a few police officers. Kaname and Miki watch from a distance. Kaname narrates.]

"So, uh, according to Miki-san's report we had a witch manifesting pretty standard self-doubt, self-hatred, causing people to question their own worth and reasons for living. And, uh, we had about a dozen victims that had been influenced by her Witch's Kiss...we stepped in, stopped them from hurting themselves, destroyed the witch, and now, uh, they get to go home and go back to their families...instead of doing something that they would regret."

Kaname turned to Miki. "Will they also be checked for hydrogen sulfide inhalation?"

"119 was notified of that, so yes, they should be."

"Okay."

[Next clip. Kaname and Miki are walking through the nearby shopping district, where other ordinary citizens whose lives they help protect are going about their normal business. They are both holding cones of green tea ice cream in their hands.]

"The M-4 was easy to handle," said Miki. "Just a few hard strikes in the right places and it was over."

"Good," said Kaname. "Don't forget to use the G.S. on yourself."

"[sighs] Aah, what a pain."

"Better safe than sorry."

"The more of those witches we get off the street, the better, I say."

"I'm just glad we were able to put a stop to things before anything unfortunate happened."

"Yeah. Especially with Hitomi being there. But not just for her...I mean, I'm glad we helped everyone make it out of there safe."

"Yep. That's what it's all about."

* * *

><p>MAHOU SHOUJO<p>

* * *

><p>[MITAKIHARA TOWN. The fading afternoon sun shades the skyscrapers and a wide highway in various reds and oranges. Above the highway is a long walkway for pedestrians. It is mostly empty, though a few figures can be seen strolling slowly along its length. The skyscrapers have a few lingering lights in their windows from salarymen having to work late hours.]<p>

"I didn't have much choice in becoming a magical girl. There were some pretty dire circumstances surrounding my decision to accept the contract. But I'm not complaining. I'd much rather be doing what I'm doing now, in any case. And it helps to know that I don't have to do this job alone."

[TOMOE MAMI, 9TH GRADE. Tomoe is walking along the same walkway, the skyscrapers in the backdrop behind her. Her golden hair and placid, golden eyes give off a calming feeling in her side profile.]

"Though of course, not all of us magical girls get along, even though in theory we're all supposed to be on the same side. But, well, that's just the way things are," said Tomoe, giving a light shrug. "A rogue magical girl might fly into town perhaps, start stirring up trouble, and...we have to deal with it. I'm thankful, at least, for the magical girls whom I can call allies. I like to bake cakes for them every now and then, ehehe."

[Cut to clip of a busy shopping district. Tomoe is holding her Soul Gem in her palm and studying its glow as she walks past a string of fashion shops. The avenue she's on soon opens out into a street that runs between some taller buildings.]

"Something was close by this area not long ago. Probably a familiar. But it looks to be some distance away now. Though actually, I'm here to look into a fight that's broken out between a couple of us magical girls."

[GYOKURO DISTRICT, 7:18 PM. PUBLIC DISTURBANCE. Tomoe walks quickly toward a narrow alleyway between two of the buildings. Bright flashes of blue and red magic flare from within, and the sounds of clashing weaponry can be heard.]

« Dispatch, is 54 available? » thought Tomoe.

« Should be, » answered Kyuubey. « She was on that cheese factory call but there was no sign of the M-3. What's up, 34E? »

« One-oh-sixteen in Gyokuro 3-21. I might need some backup. »

« I'll send her over. »

« Thanks. Ten-four. »

[Tomoe picks up the pace as she enters the alleyway. A flight of stairs leads down to a fierce battle between two magical girls. Tomoe skips the stairs and leaps through the air while transforming. She lands on the alleyway floor with drawn muskets already in her hands. Her boots clap crisply on the ground as she charges forward into the middle of the alley.]

"Drop your weapons! Both of you, drop your weapons!"

[A cry is heard from the blue girl, Miki, and her body flies backward and crashes into a wall near Tomoe, breaking some water pipes. Tomoe dodges. Miki falls to the ground. She is wounded badly and very bloodied. Tomoe trains both muskets on the red girl a short distance away, Sakura.]

"Drop your weapon now!"

"Butt out, you!" Sakura barked back. "This isn't any of your [BLEEP] business!"

"Drop it or I WILL fire!"

[Sakura ignores her and instead looks at Miki, who is getting to her feet. Most of her wounds have vanished, with magic circlets healing the ones that remain. Tomoe then opens fire, but Sakura deflects both shots. Sakura rushes forward. Quickly Tomoe pulls out a third musket but is shoved aside hard by Miki before she can fire.]

"This is not your fight!" shouted Miki.

[Tomoe hits a wall as Miki tries to step in front of her. Miki is swept aside by Sakura with a slash across the chest and in the next instant, Tomoe's body is wrapped up by Sakura's spear chain. Miki falls again as Sakura yells at Tomoe.]

"YOU [LONG BLEEP]—"

[Tomoe cannot free herself. Sakura lifts Tomoe with her chain as though about to slam her into a wall. The bleep stops.]

"—shooting at me!"

[The camera is suddenly dropped and, briefly, a pink magic circle can be seen appearing on the wall that Tomoe is being thrown at, before the picture settles on a sideways view of the alley floor. Nothing else is seen for a few seconds except bright pink flashes while the sounds of fighting and magic can be heard. The camera is then picked back up and the fight comes back into view. Tomoe is free now and whipping out a long golden ribbon while Sakura is clashing with another magical girl in a white battle outfit and white ribbon twintails, Takamachi Nanoha. Sakura leaps upward and tries to escape. Tomoe's casts out her ribbon and catches her by the foot. In moments Sakura's body is completely wrapped in Tomoe's ribbon and she is slammed back to the ground.]

"Unh!"

[Tomoe runs up to her and quickly disarms her. Sakura struggles violently in her bindings while Tomoe tries to sit her upright.]

"Stop fighting me! Stop! You're not going anywhere. Come on, sit up. Against the wall."

"Let me go!"

"You lost your chance for that. Sit up."

"[LONG BLEEP]"

[Tomoe half-drags Sakura to a wall and sits her up, then ties her to the wall with more ribbon. Miki suddenly rushes in from off-camera and tries to attack Sakura. Tomoe reacts quickly, blocking Miki and holding her back.]

"What are you doing⁈ Stop it! You want me to restrain you, too?"

[Miki keeps trying to push her way past Tomoe, though only half-heartedly.]

"Just settle down! Settle down, Miki-san. It's over now. Alright? Get control over yourself."

[Miki finally quits pushing and relents, though still looking very angry and upset. She turns away in disgust. Tomoe sighs.]

« Girl 54, where are you? »

« Detained on three-oh-six, 34E, » replied Kaname. « T-4 close by your area. »

« I was on that one! Until SHE butted in! » spat Miki.

« Let's be professional, 69, » said Kaname.

"Miki-san, I need you to stay here," said Tomoe aloud.

[The camera pans over to Miki, where she had been walking away. Miki stops. Takamachi also appears briefly in the foreground as she walks behind the camera. Takamachi's voice can be heard in the background as the camera appears to change hands.]

"Thanks, Fate-chan."

[Cut to clip of Tomoe talking with tied-up Sakura.]

"So what's going on here? Why were you fighting?"

"..."

"Why were you fighting?"

"I wasn't doing anything."

"Well you were doing something and it looked to me like you were fighting."

"I didn't start it! I wasn't the one trying to cause trouble!"

"Okay. So can you tell me how this got started, then?"

"..."

"Are you going to tell me?"

"She swung her sword at me first!"

"That doesn't tell me how this got started."

"I was trying to tell her to back off! She doesn't need to hunt the familiars. So I told her so. And all I was doing was just talking to her, and next thing I know _she's_ coming at _me_ with a sword!"

"Did she hurt you?"

"No, but I—"

"Okay."

"But I had to defend myself, you know? I had to teach her a lesson—"

"So she didn't hurt you, but then you turned around and hurt her. A lot. So—"

"No I didn't."

"You didn't hurt her?"

"No."

"Well she was badly injured when I got here, and you had your weapon out. Did she—"

"You saw what—"

"Did she trip and fall on her own sword, then?"

"You saw — go look at her now! There's not a scratch on her!"

"I—"

"She heals really fast!"

"I'm aware of that. But still, when I got here, she was torn up and bleeding. So how did she get that way?"

"..."

"How did she get that way? You said you had to teach her a lesson. Did you beat her up?"

"..."

"I saw you cut her across her chest too, by the way. What did you do that for? You said she hadn't hurt you."

"..."

"Don't forget that you attacked me, too. Thankfully I wasn't hurt, but right now it looks to me like we can't trust you to be civil with the other magical girls in this city."

[Kaname then arrived, flying down into the alleyway in a glow of pink.]

« Dispatch, I'm in the alley. »

« Ten-four. 53's not far behind you. »

[Next clip, Tomoe and Kaname are conferring with Sakura sitting nearby. Miki is sitting down a short distance away, her back to a wall. Akemi also arrives in the background, suddenly appearing from thin air.]

"One-oh-sixteen was in progress when I arrived at the scene," said Tomoe to Kaname. "I told them to put down their weapons and neither complied, and uh, Miki-san was then struck down by Sakura-san. She then caught me in her chain weapon and tried to take me out, and uh, fortunately our camera operator stepped in and protected me with her magic, and kept me from getting hurt, which I'm very grateful for. Uh, and then with two working against one, it wasn't long before we had Sakura-san under control."

"Mm," Kaname nodded.

[Kaname and Akemi are then seen stooping down to Sakura. They take hold of her by her arms, one on either side of her.]

"We're gonna raise you up, okay?" said Kaname mildly. "One-two-three."

[Their hands glow, and the ribbons come undone from the wall as together they lift Sakura up. They hold her suspended between the two of them such that her bound legs and feet are slightly up off the ground.]

"What are you gonna do with me?" grumbled Sakura.

"I'm sorry, Sakura-san, but for the time being we will need to take your Soul Gem," Tomoe said calmly.

"What?"

"You will get it back once Kaname-san and Akemi-san take you to the outskirts of the city."

"No! You can't take my Soul Gem! Don't!"

[Akemi methodically plucks the Soul Gem off from Sakura's breast. Sakura reverts to her street clothes and the gem reverts to its egg shape. Akemi stows it away in her shield. Sakura thrashes about in her bindings but Kaname's and Akemi's glowing hands easily hold her steady.]

"NO‼ Give it back! [BLEEEEP] —back to me!"

"Just calm down," Tomoe tells her. "We _will_ return it to you, we promise."

"You expect me to trust you on that⁈"

"That's all that you have right now. We just want what is best for everyone in our town. And until you can learn to come into town and not start fights with other magical girls, we must ask that you stay out of Mitakihara. Because if you don't, and we have to do this again, this won't end with us just letting you go. Do you understand?"

"Is that a threat⁈ Are you threatening—"

"Yes or no, do you understand?"

[Sakura pauses with a hostile look at Tomoe.]

"Fine! Yes! I get it! Don't worry, I _won't_ be back!"

"Okay. But remember, you are always welcome to come back, so long as you can be civil and not cause trouble. Alright?"

"Whatever."

[Kaname and Akemi walk a few paces before flying up into the air and out of the alley, carrying Sakura with them. Voiceover of Tomoe narrating begins as they fade away in the sky.]

"Unfortunately, we can't very well leave her for the police to deal with. Even if we tied her up with a nice pretty ribbon and dropped her off at the kōban with a sign on her saying, 'Please charge me with a misdemeanor of disturbing the peace', she could easily overpower them with her magic once they untied her. And we ourselves don't have any place to detain her, so uh, we don't have much choice except to escort her out of town and let her go with a strong warning. Though now at least she understands that we can confiscate her Soul Gem, if necessary. That alone should be some deterrent."

[Tomoe rejoins Miki where she is still sitting with her back to a wall. Miki is calm now.]

"I'm sorry, Mami-san," said Miki. "I lost my cool with that girl. I did take the first swing at her, though she was the first to draw her weapon on me."

"So long as you know that's no excuse," said Tomoe mildly.

"Heh, yeah, I know."

[Tomoe offers her hand and helps Miki to her feet. They continue talking as they walk together up the stairs and out of the alley.]

"It's unfortunate that Sakura-san hasn't wanted to join up with us so far," said Tomoe. "She is quite talented, and would make a great ally."

"She's just a bad apple," said Miki.

"Maybe, and maybe not. She might simply have her own reasons for why she acts the way she does."

"Yeah, well, instead of trying to 'understand' her, we should have a plan for what we're gonna do in case she comes back and tries to kill one of us again."

"Naturally. Though let's hope that things won't ever come to that."

* * *

><p>MAHOU SHOUJO<p>

* * *

><p>[MITAKIHARA TOWN. Twilight view from atop a truck on a highway. The rumbling of the large flatbed truck provides the backdrop for the traveling scenery, accompanied by a few other vehicles on the wide highway, some with their lights on. The darkening sky is still shaded with a few deep reds, though the sun has already vanished for the night. It is the evening of a schoolday.]<p>

"I've lived in this city for a long time. A _really_ long time. I've seen a lot of things happen on the job. There isn't much that surprises me anymore."

[AKEMI HOMURA, 8TH GRADE. The headwind flutters her hair about as she sits atop the tarpaulin covering the truck's cargo of sheetrock. Her side profile reveals a solemn, purple girl.]

"I'll be honest. I don't care about protecting the people in this city. I only care about protecting the one person who is most important to me. She was...she is the reason I became a magical girl. I fight the witches for her sake more than anything else. The other girls know that, and they accept it. Even if they didn't, it would make no difference to me. These days, though, I'm not as close to her as I'd like to be. But I still watch over her in my own way, when I'm not fighting the witches by her side."

[Cut to a brief shot of Akemi sitting on the flatbed, as viewed from above and slightly behind the truck. Her knees are drawn up to her chest, and she shows no expression. She then vanishes.]

[The sounds of the highway are traded for the quiet of a cheese manufacturer's shop now closed for the day. Akemi walks past the darkened front entrance.]

"This is the cheese factory that Kaname Madoka had attempted to intercept a witch at yesterday. And truthfully, so had I, but it was already gone. I'm going to conduct a sweep pattern over the area, to see if I can pick up its trail."

[APURI DISTRICT, 8:40 PM. WITCH HUNT. Akemi lifts herself into the air and steps lightly on the shop's rooftop; the camera follows. She hops from roof to roof amongst the short buildings, carefully observing the violet Soul Gem on the back of her hand as she systematically moves about the area.]

[8:51 PM. Akemi is back on the ground and walking quickly, as though having decided on a general direction. She continues to monitor her Soul Gem.]

"Trail is very faint, but it's there. It definitely went this way."

[After a few moments, telepathy transmissions begin to crackle in over audio.]

« Two-oh-one at hospital between Minamizawa Station and Ko-Kajiura. Sig match on cheese factory M-3. Moving to intercept. »

« Ten-four, 54, » said Kyuubey.

[Akemi stops.]

"No way..."

« 54, I'm at the Meatsticks place a few blocks away. Need backup? »

« Sure, 34E. Come join the party. »

[Akemi breaks into a sprint. Camera follows suit.]

« 54. 34E. Do NOT intercept. Repeat, do NOT intercept. »

« Why, 53? » said Kaname.

« This one's not like the others. Please stand by, I am en route from Apuri 8-3. »

« That's pretty far, 53. We shouldn't wait. We don't want to lose it again, » said Tomoe.

« Roger. One-oh-twelve. Relax, 53, we'll be fine together, » said Kaname.

"Tch! This one should have been classified as an M-2," Akemi said aloud to herself.

[Akemi runs harder, momentarily picking up speed before suddenly disappearing and reappearing almost a block away. Camera takes off at once and flies fast after her. Akemi continues winking in and out of visibility as she covers long stretches of ground in moments, with the camera's flight reaching very high speeds through the city as the film crew tries to keep up with her as best they can. They dodge street lights, lamp posts, trees and decorative fountains, they turn sharp corners, they fly over walls and duck bridges as they race through streets and parks and playgrounds. They often lose sight of her, only to catch her again briefly in the distance. As they approach the river, far ahead Akemi can be seen taking off into the air just on the river's edge. They rush toward her in a straight line. Akemi disappears. By the time the crew reaches the river Akemi has already touched down on a rooftop on the other side, faintly visible. Akemi disappears again as they speed across the water.]

[TOFUSHA DISTRICT, 8:59 PM. Camera still flying at full speed while indistinct figure in the distance enters into a purplish-white glow, presumably Akemi. Raised voices over telepathy as the crew close in on the glow.]

« New ones keep popping out! » cried Kaname.

« One-oh-twelve, » said Akemi.

« Dispatch, what about 69? » called Tomoe.

« I'm en route! »

[Purple-and-white gate marked with a witch's symbol is closing up; crew makes it through just in time, brakes, and resumes running on foot.]

« Mami-san! »

« Cut the chatter, 54! »

« Get down. »

[Explosion heard in the distance. Crew runs through a darkened hall full of desserts but are soon pulled directly to the pastry center of the witch's maze, where a battle is already raging. The echoes of the explosion suddenly magnify in volume.]

[Camera angles upward to a shot of a large black clown caterpillar spawning from the mouth of an identical caterpillar. Pink and yellow shots rain upon it.]

"Hold your fire. Let it come at—"

[The caterpillar smiles and makes a sudden dive into the frosting floor and thrashes. Akemi is cut off as a large wave of frosting slams into the girls and the film crew. Visual goes dark, and the camera struggles to get free. Audio is muffled as well, though indistinct shouts and cries can be heard, as well as arrowshots and machine gun fire. A quick series of heavy explosions suddenly ring out. In a flash of pink the visual suddenly becomes clear again, though most of what can be seen is smoke and flame. Audio clears up as well.]

"Mami-san! Where's Mami-san⁈"

[Another explosion from above. The black caterpillar is blown apart. Blobs of its remains rain down. Camera catches up to Akemi, who is standing calmly, though she appears slightly annoyed.]

"That was messier than it had to be. A _lot_ messier," said Akemi, walking off in Kaname's direction.

[In contrast, Kaname sounds frantic. She runs to where Tomoe lay still on the frosting floor. Only Tomoe's lower half is visible; her upper half is hidden behind a large piece of burning donut.]

"Mami-san! Mami-san!"

[Kaname reaches Tomoe and looks down at her. She utters a choked cry and turns away, then collapses to her knees. Akemi walks up to Tomoe and Kaname, also looking down at Tomoe. A brief visual of Tomoe's body is shown, though from the chest up it is censored out. However, heavy blood spatters can still be seen on parts of her school uniform and on the frosting around her. The camera quickly turns away.]

[Kaname stays huddled on the floor, crying in strained sobs. Akemi shows no expression. The witch's maze evaporates. The normal world returns with its now muted colors under the sunless sky.]

[Miki flies in, already transformed and with a sword drawn. She looks to Kaname, then to Akemi.]

"What happened? Where's Mami-san?"

"We lost her," Akemi said simply, before reporting in.

« Dispatch, M-3 destroyed. 34E was killed in action. »

« Ten-four, 53. Is there a body? » Kyuubey said casually.

« Negative. It disappeared with the maze. »

[Miki appears stunned, though she slowly turns to one side and kicks the pavement once, hard. Akemi walks up to Kaname.]

"I told you both not to rush in. Be thankful at least that you didn't get hurt as well."

[Akemi bends down and reaches a hand out to her.]

"Come on. Give me your hand."

[Kaname gradually takes it, and Akemi helps her up. Miki is standing off to one side by herself, head down and with a hand covering her face. It appears she may be crying, though it is unclear.]

[Final clip, Akemi is talking to Kaname while helping her walk along. Kaname is hunched over, still crying.]

"Just go home now. Rest up. Study for that math test tomorrow if you can. Walpurgisnacht is coming, so gather your strength. We'll fight together again soon."

"...'Kay," Kaname sobbed.

* * *

><p>MAHOU SHOUJO<p>

* * *

><p>[ROLL CREDITS]<p>

IN MEMORIAM

Tomoe Mami

1996 - 2011

- . -

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER

Kinomoto Sakura

- . -

MAGICAL GIRLS

Kaname Madoka - 54 (a/n: if you get the obscure joke made with this number, congratulations)

Akemi Homura - 53 (right behind Madoka, as she should be)

Tomoe Mami - 34E (the derp should be obvious)

Miki Sayaka - 69 (cheap lulz)

- . -

DISPATCH

Kyuubey - A51 (a/n: yes, he gave himself a designation number. he says the A stands for Awesome. yup.)

- . -

FILM CREW

Camera - Takamachi Nanoha

Sound - Fate Testarossa

- . -

THANKS

Mitakihara Town Chamber of Commerce

Mitakihara Police Department

Emergency Medical Services and Part-Time Pizza Delivery

Daidouji Tomoyo for filming equipment

Aisu Kurashiku "Tastee Freez"

Cheesaholics Anonymous Cheese Factory

Mitakihara Meatsticks

jisho . org (a/n: no, really)

* * *

><p>Notes:<p>

* ilyar - Made-up Rastafari word derived from a shortening and corruption of 'familiar'. Pronounced EYE-lyar because Rastafarians have a thing for "I", apparently.

Lazily slapped-together system of codes over telepathy are as follows (though you have probably guessed most of them anyhow):

"One-oh-" prefix - relates to humans  
>* One-oh-seven: victim of witch kiss<br>* One-oh-twelve: "I'm entering a witch maze"  
>* One-oh-sixteen: magical girl fight<p>

"Two-oh-" prefix - relates to witches  
>* Two-oh-one: witch at large<p>

"Three-oh-" prefix - relates to familiars  
>* Three-oh-six: familiar destroyed<p>

Witch classes: M-#, where lower numbers indicate stronger witches. (gee, i wonder which one M-1 would be. gee, i wonder what M stands for.)

Familiar classes: T-#, ditto. (had to do 5-minute research for this, so i'll share anyway even if i'm the only one who didn't know: T for teshita [手下], underling/minion.)

Anzu 5-chōme: from the Japanese addressing system, where addresses are given by district, block, and building number, because the streets have no names. It gave the writer an "Aw f#*!" moment when simply trying to make up locations for the girls to relay to each other in this fic. With Anzu 5-chōme just the district number is given, and with Apuri 8-3 it's supposed to be the district number and block number, unless it's flat-out wrong. Also, Apuri 8-3: play guess-the-reference.

Ko-Kajiura: an expressway. "Ko" shorthand way of saying kōsokudōro, supposed to be similar to saying "I-35" for Interstate 35. Again, made-up, since the writer has no clue how real Japanese police abbreviate expressway names. Some expressways *do* have names at least, so, Kajiura: obvious reference is obvious?

Supposedly in the real COPS show there have been a couple of incidents where the camera operator had to step in to help a police officer in trouble. The writer adores Nanoha...for some reason. Probably because naked loli henshins.

Also, miscellaneous references and jokes with the Japanese names and locations. Herp the derp.

Finally, poor Kyouko.


End file.
